So.... I no longer have to share my studio space after all, and that's a huge relief! I'm very glad that was short lived, all things considered.

This past week was a whirlwind and I'm still recovering. I've also been waking up super early (not on purpose!) and needing a nap by lunch time. Which is inconvenient, cause I need to make lunch by then, ahah

I haven't had much to talk about lately. My personal life turned 180º (in a positive direction), but that's not something I want to bring into here. And other than that, it's not like I haven't been doing anything, but the focus has been all over the place. 

I mentioned making baby albums for a friend a while ago. I've been making them. What was supposed to be 3 albums turned into 5. I still have 2 left to make, but I think I'm going to take a break from that and focus on the upcoming market for now. And the albums are another thing I won't be sharing here, so... I really don't have much to say or show. Heh.

Oh! Here's something I can share! A cute badge we each made at the crochet club! We were supposed to write our names, but I just went the the R and a star. 

The market at the end of September is fast approaching. I've been crocheting little things. I'm still not that excited about it. But it's something to do. And hopefully, a little money to make. 

Part of me is curious to see how it goes. And the other part of me is convinced I won't sell anything this time. That part is always there, but it's more present this time. Hence my lack of excitement.

There were some changes at my studio. Well, kind of. But I now have to somewhat share the space and I'm not happy about that.

My mind has been full and the creativity is having a hard time coming through. It's been hard to sit and settle down and sort through thoughts and ideas. Even just writing a post has been hard. 

*sigh*

I've been considering getting that "Artist" label out of the trash. I mean, putting it there didn't help much, did it? Taking the pressure off didn't result in more creations. Which means, the label isn't really the problem. (We all know that I'm the problem)

It's fine. This year has been slow. And grey. And numbing. And then it got really bright and really intense all of a sudden (yep, I'm definitely blaming the eclipse in that one ahah). I might be a bit dazed still lol

September is fast approaching, along with the yearly market I like to do. I'm still not super excited about it, to be honest. I ended up not making much for it. I'm not very confident, but we'll see. 
I still have time to make a few more things. More little mushroom guys, probably.

I may or may not take a break from the blog. I like keeping the schedule, but if it's a struggle to come up with anything to say, then it doesn't make much sense to force it, right? I don't know. Haven't decided yet.

I don't know anything anymore. Life is good and the sun is shining, but I'm still lost. The future is promising but uncertain. I'm not all doom and gloom anymore, but I still haven't found my place, still haven't reached solid ground. 

Oh no. It's Thursday again already! ... Welp! Schedule change, people! I now post on Thursdays! Apparently. Ahah 

I wanted to go back to the mini collages, cause it's been a while, and they're so fun to make. But it seems I'm rusty.  

I found the birds and immediately wanted to used them, but then struggled a lot with finding something to put in the background. Finally found this image and it felt right. I wanted to add something more, but maybe these are good as is, simple.

Other than that... I haven't been doing much at all these past few days, ahah. But life is good =)

And those baby albums I was asked to make are finally taking shape. But that's not something I'll share here. So, why do I keep bringing them up? .... good question. 

Uh oh. I started writing this, opened another tab, went to do something else, the whole afternoon went by and I forgot this here waiting to be finished. Welcome to my life lately ahahah

See you next week. Probably. 

Sylvie of the Two Left Feet

Oh, and I forgot to post Sylvie here. Oops.

Here she is!

She loves to dance, but we all know she has two left feet.

Wow. I'm late. All it takes is one small thing going slightly wrong in the morning and there goes the day. And before I know it, there goes the week as well. 

Anyway! I have something I want to talk about this time:
Content warnings. Filters to hide content. In the context of art!

I think people have become way too sensitive. They can't see anything that deviates a little from what they're used to without getting upset and angry and throwing the responsibility at the artist. 

Here's the thing, art is supposed to make you feel something. And often that something is uncomfortable. It's suppose to make you stop and think and reevaluate. 

What's the saying? "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." 

Some art is done with the purpose of causing a pleasant reaction. My art, for instance. But most of the time, art is political in some way (which is to say, it expresses an opinion) and intends to have an impact. Art that doesn't cause an impact will not be remembered for long. 

And hiding every thing that makes you uncomfortable will not help you or make your life easier. The more comfortable and "safe" you are, the less flexible you'll be and the more easily you will be disturbed. A bit of discomfort helps you build resistance, tolerance and it widens your horizons and your ability to think.

I'm not saying you should constantly throw yourself into uncomfortable situations in all aspect of life. What I saying is, art is a great way to experience a bit of discomfort in a safe way. 

So, next time you see some art you don't like, ask yourself what about it disturbs you? Why? 

Personally, I like the art that causes some discomfort. I find it interesting. I like it when it's dark and weird. You probably wouldn't guess it looking at what I like to make, right? Although, I'll admit, I'm more drawn to the weird than the dark. *That* you could have probably guessed, ahah

But I find it really annoying when something is marked as "sensitive" and it's just... a bloody nose, or someone smoking. Or an artistic nude that doesn't even show anything. Come on! And it's self-imposed censorship, which really baffles me. For fuck's sake, you're an artist, be rebellious! Be defiant! You're supposed to break the walls of the established, expected and proper!

That being said, we all know platforms online have Terms of Service, and when you accept to be in one, you have to respect the ToS. I just think everything is taken to the extreme and unreasonable these days. And falling into excessive censorship isn't good for anyone. Allowing censorship is opening the door to more and more censorship until you're barely allowed to breathe. And it's just another way of unloading your critical thinking, allowing someone (or something) else to do it for you. Much like with AI.

Honestly, soon we'll be living in the Grey Plains of Boring, filled with Sanitized Sands and the Constant Breeze of Same. Very comfortable. Devoid of any sparks of life.

Is that where you want to be?

Hi! Sorry I'm late. Sunday was socializing day, and you know how it is... the next day the brain wanted a break.

But hey look! I made a little guy! (Pattern from here)

I want to make more. I'd love to make a big one with chunky yarn, but I don't have much of it, and don't really want to buy more. And to be honest, I don't love working with it. So.... maybe I'll double the pattern?

But I also love making tiny things (even if my hands don't). So I don't know. September is fast approaching and I want to make more things, but I'm still not sure what. I might be feeling a bit more inspired now, but I'm still not at full enthusiasm. 

I desperately want to get back to collage, especially my Inner Worlds. The art block is real, though. Every time I try, nothing comes out and it's so frustrating! 

At least those baby albums I was asked to make are done now. Well, graphically done. I still need to print them and put them together. That will be another struggle, but I'm somewhat looking forward to it. I feel like I've taken way too long with them already and honestly just want to be done. 

I often wonder what's the point of this blog, these posts. I'm not saying anything of substance or interest. At least, not usually. Certainly not lately. But it is nice to see that I've been consistent, that I've persisted with this. Or maybe it just shows that I'm stubborn. 

To be honest I've been feeing terribly lost this year. I see no direction to follow. No option seems good, or worth it, or enticing at all. There's no spark anywhere. 

Welp. On that happy note... see you next week!

My morning routine used to be getting up early, getting to the café, writing a bit on my journal, or just putting down ideas to paper, figure out my day, you know that kind of thing. 

These days I'm getting up later and feeling like I'm always running to catch up on everything. 

It also doesn't help that the first thing I do now is check up on Vivi's radio and my chat friends. And then sometimes end up just chatting away the morning. But I can't regret that when I've actually made some new friends recently! Feels nice.

And this Sunday it's crochet club day again. More socializing! Yay!

That baby album (it's actually 3, and I'm trying to make them all slightly different) is also coming along. Very slowly, but I think I've passed that slump of resistance I had at first. Things are flowing now. I still have to decide on how to put it all together in the end, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I've also been trying to get back to collage, but nothing is coming out, nothing feels right or exciting, no sparks of joy or inspiration on that road. I'm sure it will come back at some point, but at the moment that well is dry and I'm a bit sad about it.

Ok, I tried leaving this for the next day to see if I magically came up with something else to say and close this post in a nice way. Guess what. No dice. Ahah

See you next week. Hopefully with something to show. -_-'

Yesterday I went to my favorite coffee shop/bookstore again. Not to attend any event this time, just to spend the afternoon there. An experiment. Do I want to do it again? Probably! 

I have to be real here. I've been feeling awfully lost and defeated. No energy, no drive. The body feels heavy, as does life. Everything is an effort. I don't even know what I want or who I am anymore. 

Damn, such doom and gloom! What the fuck, Raisca? Snap out of it! Go create something! Go play with colors and shapes and textures and stop moping around! 

Ok, ok, I'm getting an idea! Let's see if I manage to make anything with it. 

(Sorry, really short post this week. But it is what it is)

So, a whole week as gone by and I have done nothing about that baby album I was asked to make... I thought about it. But I'm so very uninspired by the theme... 

But yesterday I finally looked around for some images, to sparks ideas, and hopefully I'll finally start working on it today. 

I also finished this little blanket! I never told I started it, but look, it's finished!

(pattern from here)

I thought I'd try selling it at the market in September as a pet blanket, since it's kinda small to be a person blanket. And I want to make more, cause you don't really sell anything unless you have a bunch to catch people's eyes... but they take a bit to make, and I want to make other things too! So... I don't know, we'll see.

I've been obsessed with a fanfic. One I've read before and loved, but not one I care to recommend cause it's pretty dark and heavy and intense. It's not for everyone. But it's so good! It pulls me in and it sticks and I can't let go of it. So I decided that instead of just reading it again, I'd go deeper and translate it. Just for me, just for fun, to keep those translation muscles trained. To stay in touch with my own language, which I barely use anymore out of the daily chit chat at home.

I thought making a translation would get me to look at the writing even more closely than before, take it slower and from a more analytic perspective and hopefully not get as sucked in as before.

It's not working. Now I just want to translate it all day! I've been restricting it to my mornings only, but I did also spend both the afternoon and night with it the other day. And I'd love to do it again.

I both like and don't like this. On the one hand, it feels nice to be this passionate about something. But on the other, it dims everything else, and I still have a life to live, I need at least a bit of enthusiasm left for that too, you know? Ahah.

I've also been a bit stuck at home. Not because I *have* to, but it's been very hot and I don't want to go anywhere. I skipped the journaling club yesterday and the gaming night on Saturday. I'm sad about the gaming night... but it's at night. It takes a lot more out of me than a Sunday afternoon. 

And now I gotta go! I thought I could be here longer, but nope! Ahah See you next week!

Oof. Ok, so yesterday I was tried, my mind was on vacation and didn't feel like writing anything. But here I am today!

Remember a while back when I said I had a video to make? Pretty sure I mentioned it. 
I had been waiting for them to post it on Youtube, as they usually do, so that I could share here. Turns out they posted it on *Facebook* instead. Blergh! 

I don't have Facebook, so I find it hard to even grab the link. And of course, it doesn't embed here like Youtube does. 

Here it is, if your curiosity is strong enough to break through the resistance of clicking a link that goes somewhere else. 

In the meantime I had another video to make for them. And it went really well! So well, that I immediately forgot about it once it was done, even though I enjoyed making it. It's just that, it flowed so well causing no problems to annoy me, that it also flowed really well right out my mind ahah

It's also only on Facebook, so here's another link for the curious and persistent! 

I kinda miss the time I was also going to the shows and filming them. But I'm not sure that would work for me now. Schedule's at home have changed since then. Also, I no longer have the camera I had and loved. I still get sad (and angry!) every time I remember it was stolen. *sigh*

Anyway! On a happier note, here's something I made last week. I don't know what to call it. I was just having a little fun playing around with a few elements. But I like the result, so you get to see it too. 

I have been challenged to make a baby album for a friend. Apparently the baby albums available these days aren't very exciting (or cheap).

I totally want to make it complicated, of course. Ahah. I'm still thinking about the construction of it. So I guess that's what I'll be doing this week. I hope I don't forget about it... because, let me tell you, this was mentioned to me last week already, and I had completely forgotten about it until I was reminded yesterday =X

Ok, gotta go now. This post took way longer to write than I'd like, and it's getting late. So, see you next week!

blah blah blah

Most people love to talk. Some people can't shut up for more than two seconds. 

HOW?! How can you always have something at the tip of your tongue ready to come out? 

I'm such a quiet person. And it's not because I'm shy or insecure. I mean, sure there can be a little bit of that if I don't yet know the crowd I'm with, but for the most part I really have nothing to say! Especially if there's a lot going on around me. My mind goes mostly empty, just taking in information, even when I don't want it to. Also, my word processor is slow, so by the time I've gathered my thoughts and could have something to say, the conversation has already moved so. So I remain quiet.

Maybe you think I'm good listener. I can be, but most of the time, I'm not. If you tell me five stories, one after the other, cause you always find some connecting point to jump around between them, and if all those stories are about people you know and I don't... It's going through one ear and coming out through the other. And I'm wishing you'd shut up, honestly. 

I *love* when I find someone I can be in silence with. Someone I can share a look or a smile with, some expression or gesture and no words. Do you know how rare that is?

That's not to say I don't enjoy a nice conversation. I do, very much! But it can't be with more than one of two people at once. And they have to actually care to listen to what the other have to say. You know, it has to be a *conversation*, not a monologue. I'm getting less and less tolerant of monologues. 

Maybe I'm just grumpy. I went out yesterday. Big lunch with a bunch of people (lunch with a bunch, ha). Today I just want to sleep and be off. 

Is today the day I allow myself to just play some game or other?
(I'll probably watch someone else play on Youtube while I crochet. I know what I'm like)

I forgot my phone at home today.

I usually grab it when I get up. But do I need it with me while I have breakfast? No, I don't! So today I left it in my room to grab later. 

We all know how well that went.

Sometimes I wonder why I even have a phone. But then I remember, the kid might need something, that's why I always have the phone around. And also, I might need something. Like when I forget the shopping list at home and need someone to send me a picture of it. Except recently I started to using my phone as the shopping list. Because I always have it with me and don't forget it at home like I do with the paper list, right? RIGHT?! 

It's ok, I did the shopping yesterday anyway. *sigh*

But it's interesting how even though my phone barely gets used, it still feels weird to be out without it. And to think we used to live without them at all! 

That's it. That's this week's post. Sorry, I have nothing interesting or relevant to say this week!

Would you look at that. I am now in a crochet club (happened the other week) and a journaling club (that was this Friday). There are a few regular faces I see there (at the bookshop/café) all the time, and... well, I'm becoming one too! 

For a long time I wouldn't go anywhere or do anything because going out costs money. It's a convenient excuse for inaction, isn't it? I mean, you can't deny that yes, going out costs money! Gas, parking, the event itself, eating or drinking something - it all costs money. But so does going out every morning to the cafe, as I always do (and honestly can't do without). That one falls under the routine so I don't think about the cost. The other falls under "unnecessary extras" that I somehow convinced myself I don't need and/or deserve. 

I mean, if I'm not making money for myself, why would I go out and spend it for no good reason? Right?

But going out, meeting people, socializing, making connections... that could open some door (or window) into some interesting opportunity, right? You never know! 

And that's how I convinced myself to go. 

I don't know how I got here, to this point where I can't let myself enjoy things unless there's some purpose to them. How fucked up is that?! Especially for someone who is still a child at heart... A messed up contradiction, is what I am.

That being said, now that I went to these things and broke that illusion that I couldn't or shouldn't, I want to keep going regularly, just to get out of the house and see people. Sometimes it's more fun than others, but it's good for me to have something of my own, something out of the routine to look forward to.

You know who doesn't have these self-imposed problems and always know how to have a good time?

Sheila! Isn't she lovely? 

Oh, speaking of the journaling club, I should show you what I made! Here.

It's interesting how I used to not like blue and now I use it all the time. Same with pink. Although I still don't love it by itself. But come on, look at my website! And I loooooove it! (That might be why I haven't changed it yet. Yup, totally that, not laziness or lack of drive or ideas or anything like that)

Thoughts up in the air

 I sold a sticker on Redbubble! Of my own designs! WOW! 

Thank you, whoever you are! You've made my day! 

So, yeah, today is Tuesday, not Monday. My mind was too much in the air yesterday. But I'm here today!

I'd like to say it's been another good week, but truth be told it was very meh, with the exception of Sunday. I went back to that same place I went to the previous week, this time for a brand new crochet club gathering. I've met some cool and interesting people and I really want to go back, whenever the next meeting will be. I really like that place and the people there. I'm considering going again this Friday. This time for a journaling thing. I don't know. Maybe I'll go, maybe I won't. I guess you'll find out next week!

I have started a new Strange Creature. Only need to color it now. So that's something else you can see next week. 

I may be entering a new phase, a more social phase. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. Only time will tell.

I'd love to have more to say, but I don't. My mind is still up in the air, can't settle down enough for more coherent thoughts, sorry. See you next week!

In high spirits

You know what? This was a good week! Isn't that great?

I made a new collage! 
I had the title The Cosmic Soup of Knowledge tucked away in my head for ages. In the end I called it just The Cosmic Soup, cause I wasn't able to fully realize my vison. But I still got a good collage out of it, so it's ok! Here! Look at it! 

I like it more now that it's been a few days and I've let go of the frustration of not being able to recreate what I had in my head.

And then.... AND THEN!! The next day I made another one of my Strange Creatures! And I'm writing that capitalized which means it's now an intentional name. It has become a series! 

Meet Albert! He's just a tiny little bit awkward, but a very reliable fellow. 

By the end of the week I went out and had some fun, met some new people, played board games and stayed up late (all of which are rare these days). I'd love to do that again! Even though the place I went to is a bit far (in small country terms, at least) and it ends up being a little costly, it was worth it. I felt great throughout the weekend from all the good vibes I accumulated from Friday night!

So yes, overall a good week that really lifted my spirits! Yay!

I feel like I've been getting dumber. 

I have lots of ideas and almost zero execution power. Like there's this... filter, this static noise. A thick fog I have to wade through.

It's exhausting. 

It feels like I'm disconnected, out of synch with myself, out of synch with time. I'm never really present in the present. I don't know where I'm going and I need constant reminders of where I've been, where I came from. 

Feeling like I'm losing my ability to think past beyond surface level, though, that's scary.

I'd really like to not lose the habit or writing here every week. Cause I know if I let myself loosen the schedule, I'll never get it back on track. 

So here I am. On a Monday, as usual. And... with not much to say. 

The projects keep piling up in the corner, one after the other. I don't even remember what's at the bottom of the pile anymore.

It's been SO LONG since I've collaged with paper. But my hands go for the yarn first, so the papers never get their turn. My desk is a mess. Both my desks, in fact. I should take care of that. ...I really don't wanna.

I've been embracing the inner nerd and created a new tumblr page, dedicated to my thoughts and headcanons and stuff for my favourite Tales games (other games or stories might make an appearance at some point). I called it Chewing on Tales and had fun making that profile picture. Then dropped the ball on the page design, because I didn't get it all done on the first day, so it became another project on the pile that I forget about. 

I haven't posted much yet, and it's taking me forever to write my next post. While I have been in a writing mood lately, but it takes me forever, cause I need to make sure what I'm saying is right so I lose myself in the research. I think I might like the research more than the writing, ahah. Looking up the scenes, noting down the dialogue, analyzing what's said and what isn't, hunting down side materials... It's like going on a treasure hunt, I love it! Writing though... I also like it, but it's frequently hard to find the focus and manage to not be interrupted. 

It frustrates me that it takes me so long to write something! Even these posts take me all morning, it's ridiculous! 

Anyway. 

I guess I have a market to do in September again. I'm not as excited as usual. I'd like to make new things for it - crochet things, I mean. I still have a lot from last year and the year before that, but it bothers me to not have anything new. 

I also have a bunch of new stickers I'd like to print. But I didn't really sell any last year, so should I even waste my time with that? Also, I'm not sure I have enough sticker paper for all of them. And I don't want to buy more at the moment. Money is... really tight. It probably will be for a while. And it's the same for everyone, which is why I'm not that excited about the market. I'm already expecting disappointment. Oof.

Ok, I'm done rambling for now. See you next week, I guess. 

Schedule? What schedule?

I started something new! Well, not entirely new, it's crochet, but a technique I hadn't tried yet. Corner to corner. Or C2C for short. It's simple enough, more fun and interesting looking that the boring granny stitch, but grows just as fast, which is nice.

I started with a simple square just to get the hang of it (the cats can always use another mini blanket), and have now started a huge and much more complicated project, with lots of color changes. If I want it to look neat, I have to cut the yarn at every change. I'm sewing in the ends at the end of every row, cause otherwise it will be a pain. I don't even dislike sewing in ends (like many people do), but I'd still prefer to do it gradually than all at once.

I now have 3 large blanket WIPs... The first one is maybe 7 years old by now? Will I ever finish it? I've put so much into it already, I have to! I just need to make a few more triangles. A few... maybe somewhere around 40... -_-' Should also do a border in the end, to make it pretty and even, but that I don't think I'll ever do. I want to be done with it! It will probably take a few more years, let's be honest.

I also finally made a new collage with the underwater pictures I found the other day and wanted to use! 

I called it Secret Garden, but the name might change in the future, if I manage to come up with a better one. I may or may not also add something more to the image. Or make another version, maybe. 

I like it a lot, but I'm not totally satisfied. I think it's because I ended up making it a square cause the full format wasn't working well. So it feels - to me - that there's something missing.

Hmm.... you know what? The more I look at it, the more I like it. It's perfect the way it is, actually! That portal could be a nice sticker too. 

Oh, right. Redbubble. I want to give up on that and find other places like it. Guess what, I totally forgot about it. Baaaahhhhh.

Also Substack... I will continue to not post there. I gave it a try, it seemed interesting at first, but after a few months she novelty has withered away and it there's nothing left in it for me. I really wanted to like it, but I don't. Kinda like Bluesky, too. But I'm keeping my presence on that one. 

Honestly, the only places I actually like hanging around are Cara and Tumblr. And Cara is the only one where I even feel seen. 

Oh. And I wanted to remake my website too! Yeah, also forgot about that. *rolls eyes*

Now I don't want to anymore. I had *ideas* but ended up keeping Carrd, which doesn't allow for those *ideas*, so I gave up on the whole renovation. That wasn't the only reason, though. It was also that I no longer know how to make those *ideas* happen with today's software options.

Ok, enough blah blah blah. See ya next time! \o

This year, for me, was supposed to be about experimenting. And I feel like I haven't been doing anything at all. 

Well, there's one thing I experimented with. I turned off my YouTube history. 

I spend way too much time on Youtube. There's always something playing in the background. Sometimes music, sometimes someone playing something, sometimes someone making something. And sometimes I'm just wasting time looking for something to watch without even know what to look for. 

So I turned off the history, so that I don't get tempting suggestions on the side, but also to see different things cause Youtube won't remember what I like so it won't suggest more of the same.

I figured, if Youtube became less interesting for me, I'd waste less time there. And if it stopped suggesting the same kind of things over and over, I'd might actually find something new to watch.

Turns out having the history off is even worse. Cause the suggestions are so off from my interests that I get annoyed just looking at them. And now I don't know what I've already watched or not. If I was walking around in big circles around my interests before, now I'm walking in tighter circles that I don't even care about. 

As I'm writing this, I've turned history back on. I never thought I'd be praising the algorithm, but there's something to be said about curating your experience. The algorithm isn't so bad when you can make good use of it.

Another experiment I want to try is posting on some day that isn't Monday. Maybe Wednesdays? I think Mondays aren't ideal and I've said that from the start, but I ended up falling into that schedule and getting used to it. 

Then again, it will probably make no difference at all. I've been feeling like everything is pointless, lately. Like I'm just screaming into the void. Bahhhhh.

Also considering if I should keep trying Substack or just give up on that. I kinda like it here more, to be honest. I guess that's another thing I can experiment with - put Substack on a break and see how I feel about it.