I think I might have had an epiphany or something

This week has been eventful. Not so much outwardly, but inside my mind.

You might remember on my post last week that I finished with asking into the void if anyone was in need of a video editor cause I could use the work. 

So the thought was on my mind. I followed an impulse and sent a message to a friend/acquaintance who happens to have a Youtube channel and mentioned recently they were thinking of maybe getting a video editor to help them out. 

While waiting for a response - with that pesky self doubt whispering in my ear that this person wouldn't want to work with me (and why the hell not?! wtf?!), that I wasn't getting an answer cause they didn't want to tell me no to my face or something (no, stupid, it's because they're busy and don't check the internet all the time like you. Loser. Ok, now I'm putting myself down from both sides? That's not fair!) - I kept thinking about this new scenario where I'm a video editor, doing something I like, for someone I like. I'd have less time to dedicate to my own things, which in turn would fill me with motivation to make better use of that time. 

Because, let's be honest, I have *too much* time on my hands, and because I - apparently - have all the time in the world, I waste it greatly. And then feel guilty about it. Because, NO, I do not have all the time in the world. Time is infinite, but my time isn't. I'm not getting any younger and I still haven't done much, accomplished much with my life. Especially in the last 10 years or so. 

I think I figured out why. Or at least, part of the reason. 

I started calling myself an artist. With a "Fake it until you make it" attitude. Yeah, I'm an artist. I make art, right? It's all I really want to do in life. So I'm an artist, right? I have a right to apply that label on myself, right? 

Right. Sure. But that label carries some weight I wasn't counting on, and I think it's been doing me more harm than good.

1) If I'm an artist, then I need to make art. NEED, not want. I need to show that I've earned that label. I need to show that I work, that I don't just loaf around all day. 

2) If I'm an artist, then I must have original ideas. I must have something to say. Have an impact of some kind, move people somehow. Have something of significance to contribute with, to offer the world.

3) If I'm an artist, I should be making money with my art. Even if it's not enough to sustain me, but some money at least. 

Well, first of all. "Fake it until you make it" can be a useful tool, there's something to be said about positive affirmations and making yourself believe them, but truth is I don't like faking it, and clearly I haven't made it far. So that's not working. 

Also, 1) making art is certainly a Need for me, but whatever I make is a Want. Somewhere along the way I turned it around and turned the Need of Making into a Want, and turned the Want to Create Whatever into a Need. Why am I surprised this didn't work?

2) I'm creative, but I'm not an Original Idea kind of person. I'm more of a Transformer. I turn into a boat and frequently get lost at sea. I grab something that is already there and I play with it, add to it, transform it. I suppose that's why collage appealed to me. But quite frankly, I don't have much to say. And the only thing I want my work to make you feel is pleasant curiosity. I want to carry your imagination to another world, even if just for a moment. But most of all I want it to carry ME into those worlds, cause that's where I like to be.

3) I've talked about this last week, so I won't repeat myself. But making money with my art, while a pleasant idea, isn't something I'm built to pursue. If it happens, amazing! If not... I'm not fighting it. Not where I want to put my energy.

As you can see, I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. 

And I will no longer call myself an artist. 

Not because I'm giving up on art (that would be impossible!) but because it hurts my relationship with it.

And for those wondering, I did get a reply from that youtuber friend. I was left to stew in self-doubt for a few days, but then it went well. So maybe in the near future I can say with confidence that I'm a video editor, instead of dreading the question "so, what do you do?" (for a living, is implied) and replying, annoyed and embarrassed, "I make stuff" (and don't live from it). Because, despite writing in all my profiles online that I'm an artist, that's not something I actually say out loud in real life. Cause I make no money from it and as such, I have "nothing" to show for it.

But if I'm a video editor, then I have something that I do. And the art will still be there, on the side, and it no longer matters what I make with it, I can just have fun. I can share it whenever, because I want to share it, not because I need to show that I work.

All of that being said, I still want to redo my website and I've been forgetting about that. But maybe I need to not make it was complicated as I wanted to. Cause I need to be done with it soon. And there's a few images - older ones - that I'd like to remake. Maybe now that my thoughts have settled a bit I can get back to it.