That's what they call imposter syndrome, isn't it?

The time changed this weekend and I'm grumpy. Now I naturally go to sleep later, but I still have to wake up as early as before. I much prefer the winter time, it works better with my personal rhythm. The summer time always makes me feel like I'm late. The mornings evaporate in the blink of an eye. I don't like it, thank you very much.

But hey! I'm back to the Inner Worlds! I'm just not sure if it's a long stay or a short visit.

Here's my latest - The Hidden Realm of the Inner Child (you can take a better look here)

This took a while and a few tries until I was happy with it. I wasn't sure at first if it would be part of the Inner Worlds or not. But then I brought in the beacon, so that makes it part of the Inner Worlds. (It was only after that decision that I found a title).

The snail didn't look right until I put a hat on it. I might make a sticker out of it, too!

The child was at first inside de mirror, but than felt a bit... oppressive? Why was she trapped? No, she's (care)free, living her best life in her own little world. 

The beacon is looking in from another realm, guarding, keeping the child safe, a reassuring presence, but also guiding to the way out, in case the child wants to go explore other places.

The castle is a local one. Local to me, I mean. It's the Pena Palace, in Sintra.
Sintra used to be a magical place (not so much these days) that I visited a lot at a certain time in my life. A happy time of discovery for my younger self. So using that particular castle (palace) makes this image much more personal for me. It wasn't the first choice, mind you. I had the pyramids there at first. Some other fancy castle after that. But both of those had colors there were a bit too right - meaning they blended too much with everything else. Nothing like a bright red and yellow castle, right? Kinda look like Lego, I love it!

And then the lady in the back is Mother Nature, I suppose. Definitely a mother figure. (Would that make the beacon a father figure, then?) 

What, you thought I knew what I was doing? Nah! First I make it, then I interpret what the hell my brain came up with. Bullshitting my way through art. A skill that would have been useful back in my school days, but I didn't have it yet back then. It comes with age, I suppose. And if I sound confident enough, people will think I'm actually smart and do things intentionally with a lot of thought put into it. An artistic con, if you will.

Did I say all that out loud? Oops.

Oh, and there was a boat with a silly cat on it at one point! I decided it wasn't right for this image, but it will be a fun sticker soon! 

Oh man, I made so many stickers last year and then did nothing with them! I need to upload all that on Redbubble. There's a plan for this week! And maybe sell (homemade) packs on my Ko-fi? Why is that part so hard for me? ;_;

Speaking of Redbubble, why do they take sooooooo long to review a simple design? These are simple enough to review, I would think?! Sure, it's fanart, but it doesn't even have any copyrighted images? Ugh. I'd love to keep posting them regularly, but I'm stuck with the waiting time. 

I'm loosing my drive to make them all too. Although, at the same time, I want to make these for other games in the series. Silly me. Go figure. 

The bubbling energy of spring

Yesterday I went out. And socialized! All day! WILD, I know. 
It was nice. Would do again. Maybe. But not soon.

Of course, today I'm pooped. I feel sluggish and I'm having a hard time waking up. But I have things to do! I got some commission work and I'm so happy about that! I wasn't sure at first if I'd be up to it, but went for it anyway. And it turns out, yes, I am up to it, no problem. Silly me, doubting myself!

Oh. I just remembered I was in the middle of those spell incantations I was so excited about last week. I need to keep posting them. And making the rest of them! Maybe I'll make more from other games too. I really like playing around with words and graphics. So I don't care if no one else is invested, I'll be making them until I lose the excitement. It may or may not happen soon. I never know! When the excitement ends before the project (which happens all the time), all I have left is plain stubbornness to keep me going. But at that point it's not fun anymore, so let's hope I don't get to that point too early on.

That being said, the few times I planned and finished a series of works, I really liked the feeling of accomplishment that came with it. So I'd like to do another series again. I think the creativity is finally coming back, now that Spring is effectively here. The time will be changing for us next weekend, the days will get longer... You know, it's funny, for years I've preferred the winter time, the days starting earlier, I feel like I can get a lot more done, even though the days aren't too long. But I think I'm changing. I'm looking forward to longer days. I'm still not looking forward to the heat - and I don't think I ever will be - but I'm also not as ok with the cold as I used to be. The light, though. THE LIGHT! I need it. The birds singing! The... oh no. The wasps and the flies and the mosquitos and all the bugs. Ok, Nevermind, I do prefer the winter after all! *retreats back into the cave*

Tales of my gaming life

So. I'm back to fanart. I should make a separate post, but whatever, I have nothing else to talk about anyway. 

Let me tell you about my love for video games.

I have been playing games since I was a kid. I had a Zx Spectrum and an Amiga 500. Playing the Spectrum was a whole thing. You have to load the game through a cassette tape, it made *noises* and flashed colors in bars, it was... entertaining. It sucked having to wait, but it was somewhat entertaining, in a weird way. This is what I'm talking about, for those who have no clue. Honestly, the games weren't worth the wait, so I didn't play much on the Zx Spectrum.

The Amiga, on the other hand....! The game loaded from a floppy disk, and was much quicker. And I had a joystick and everything. The Amiga was fun! And the graphics were great for the time. Definitely much much better than the Zx Spectrum. The Amiga definitely holds my most cherished childhood memories when it comes to games. Rock 'n' Roll, Pinball Dreams, CarVup, Baby Jo, Parasol Stars, Tetris, Arkanoid. And probably a few others I don't remember anymore.

And then I got a Sega Game Gear. Hand held games! In color! AMAZING! Sure, running that on batteries was stupid, so I was always plugged to some outlet, so it was mobile, but not that much, ahah. But that's when I got to play things like Sonic, Prince of Persia, James Pond II RoboCod, and The Lion King.

So that was my childhood. Colorful 2D games with cool sounds and music. And lots of silliness that made no sense but was very fun! But I never thought about the game past the time I spent playing them. And at the time, I doubt I would have had any interest in more complex games with stories and/or turn based combat of any kind. 

Then I grew up and didn't play much anymore - not cause I developed some dislike for them, my interests just moved somewhere else, I guess?

Fast forward to quite a few years later (2011/2012), when I ended up getting offered a second hand Xbox 360. There were a few other gamey things along the way, but this trip down memory lane is getting long enough as it is, let's get to the point.

In the hard drive of this Xbox 360 there was a game. A game called Tales of Vesperia. 

I had no idea what I was getting into when I decided to try it. I was soon taken by the world I had there to explore, by the character's personality, the fun dialogue, the story, the combat! And the graphics were so good! And the game kept going. And going. And going! And when I thought it was over, there was still a whole lot more game left to play, places to explore, things to discover and story to pursue. I was blown away! I laughed, I cried (and kinda wanted to punch Raven too), I kept thinking about the story, the characters, the worldbuilding... I was no longer just playing a game like before in the old days. I was experiencing it. It stayed with me. These characters were like friends now, I cared about them, wondered how they were doing in the off moments or in the post game. I was looking up side materials, hitting the Japanese language barrier wall and deciding to climb it (meaning, learning the language) just to keep those characters and their stories close. 

Then Tales of Xillia came out (and I got a PS3)! I was excited, and then a little disappointed. The graphics were more modern, the navigation was 3D all around (which I didn't love) but didn't look as good as Vesperia. The combat was amazing though, and it didn't take me long to fall in love with those characters too. Especially Alvin. For which I blame Matt Mercer, of course. And from Xillia, I predictably got into Critical Role. That was a pretty straight line right there. But that's a whole other story. Not for today!

In the mean time I also got into older Tales games by watched playthroughs on Youtube. I got acquainted with Abyss, Symphonia, Legendia, Graces. And then Graces F was a thing for the PS3 and I bought it and played it. I already knew the whole story, and knew I wouldn't like the combat as much, and didn't really care that much about the story or those characters (Asbel is boooooring. I would have preferred the game from Hubert's perspective), but I wanted to play it myself. Besides, at this point I was a fan of the series, so I wanted to contribute as such and buy the game. Like, yes, I approve of this series, and support it with my wallet.

Then the Symphonia Chronicles came out. So I got that one too. Also already knowing the whole story (of both games, even if we don't talk about number 2), but again wanting to experience it myself. I can see why it's a classic and why it's a fan favorite and maybe, in a way (maybe even in *many* ways), the best one in the series. But I didn't play it back then, when it would have had that impact on me, so I don't love it as much as most (Kratos lives rent free in my mind though).

Then we got Xilla 2. Which wasn't great. This series suffers greatly with sequels, it's like a curse. 
But it was an ok game, a bit annoying here and there, but the combat was super fun, so it wasn't a chore to play.

Then Zestiria came out. And oh boy. That one was a disappointment (and we were already coming from a game that wasn't all we'd like it to be). Even though I actually liked it a lot - unlike most of the fan base - I'm not blind to it's many flaws and agree with the general feeling of disappointment. I really liked the characters though and the music too, and it seems those are the most important thing for me? Cause Zestiria is still in my top favorites. I even bought it twice! I had it (physical) for the PS3, and then I moved on to the PS4 and bought it again (digital). 

After that was Berseria, and again, unlike the majority of the fan base, I actually didn't like it that much. My problem with it is the same I have with Graces. I don't really like or care about the main character, but I have to experience the story from their point of view. The combat is similar too, and I'm not sure what it is about it, but I don't have fun with it. It was also really long. Way longer than it needed to be. Too many skits. I can't believe that would ever be a problem, but it turns out, too much of a good thing is still too much. Much like Graces, I think I would have liked it much more from another character's perspective (in this case, Eleanor).

At this point I was a disappointed fan. Still a fan, but not excited about new stuff coming out. 

But I will always love the series, at least from Symphonia up to Berseria (yes, even though I didn't like it much, I still love a lot of things about it).

Tales of Arise was the nail on the coffin for me, though. While I enjoyed it at first, it was mostly cause it was pretty. Combat was ok, the world wasn't that interesting even though I could walk more freely than ever before. And guess what? I also don't really care about the main characters. They're alright, I don't dislike them like I do Velvet and Asbel, but I don't really care about them either. 

Next Tales game, whenever that happens (if it happens), will hardly get a day one buy from me. Maybe I won't buy it at all. I will definitely be watching a playthrough before I even consider spending money on my favorite series again. How sad is that?

So, TL:DR: My favorite Tales games are Vesperia (cause it was my first and holds that very special place in my heart), Xillia and Zestiria (*gasp!*). Symphonia comes right after, but it's not one I really want to *play* again. But those characters get to live in my heart too.

This series got me thinking of myself as a gamer, or at the very least, someone who likes games.

And because I'm so *normal* about them, Vesperia in particular, I'm back on the fanart train. I'm making a whole collection of spells incantations. How very specific, I know! It's almost as if I love this game, and as if I always main as Rita and her spells are all seared into my brain. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Here's the first few. I've put them up on Redbubble cause I think they'd be awesome stickers especially if you're as *normal* about Vesperia as me!

Well, this a ramble and a half. Maybe next time I'll talk about FFVII. I'm very *normal* about that one too. Ahah

The black hole of forgetfulness

My routine was thrown out of whack and I missed posting on Monday. Ah well, I'm here today.

Don't know what to talk about though. I never plan these posts, they happen as they happen. If you couldn't tell by how rambly they usually are. 

The week wasn't great, despite my birthday. Although the birthday part was good! It's always nice to spend time with friends. Especially accompanied by nice food! 

Most of my days are an unfocused mess, time goes by in a flash and I accomplish nothing at all. When I get to bed at the end of the day I often feel like that can't be right, I just go up a little while ago! But no, a whole day trickled by like sand from my hands. And my mind seems like an endless void. It needs some exercise. Like learning something new. That sounds so overwhelming though. Argh! How do I get out of this?!

I'm a dreamer. And the world hasn't been kind on dreamers lately. I'm a dreamer with nothing to dream about. Head in the clouds, yeah, but when you're actually *in* the clouds all you see is a grey fog.

My collages are - deliberately - colorful, whimsical, happy... dreamy. Cause that's what I want to bring to the world. But I've run out of inspiration to make more. 

Should I... should I get that "Artist" label out of the trash I threw it in? Is that what I'm missing after all? I was so sure I needed to get rid of it. 

Nah, what I need is to have fun. To try stuff out and experiment and explore possibilities, like I said was my goal for this year. Yeah, guess what, I forgot about that too. Despite the vision board I keep right next to me. 

Honestly? Really really honestly? What I need is to NOT go on Youtube. It's a time-sucking problem and I know this damn well. I always let myself fall for the trap of "I just need some background music."
No I don't. Not from Youtube. I have plenty of music to listen to offline. 

Ok. Let's see if I get some shit done this week. Let's go!

Ships (of the friend kind)

Making friends is hard.

Meeting people and having a chat is easy enough, especially online, but developing a connection that goes a bit deeper is a whole other struggle.

Cause I can be friendly with most people and I think it's really good to have a varied set of acquaintances, people that are very different from you, people you have very little in common with but with whom you can still have a conversation. It keeps your mind flexible, builds your tolerance and expands your soul, making you more capable of love and finding inner peace. You learn to live and let live.

But truth is, there's very few people I actually click with. And it sucks, honestly. Especially when I do find someone I could potentially become good friends with, but I don't spark in them the same interest they spark in me, so they're not available to put in the effort.

I don't know, maybe the same could be said in reverse, maybe there have been people out there who felt we could be friends and I gave them the cold shoulder cause I didn't vibe back with them.

I also feel that people these days are too focused on themselves, their own life and struggles. Making money to survive takes more and more effort, energy and time. It sucks you up and drains you. 

But that's an excuse. And also a consequence of this modern mentality, this glorification of individualism. We've lost the sense of community, of doing something for others instead of ourselves. This idea that we own no one anything and we must stand on our own two feet and be self sufficient and fuck everyone who doesn't agree with you or opposes your views. Cut off all the toxic people! Burn bridges! Who cares! You matter! But no one else does, apparently. And look at us. Each trapped in their own lives and struggles, feeling lonely and no longer knowing how to reach out and relate to others.

Oof. I'm in a mood, guys. I have to admit, I've been feeling frustrated with my friendship attempts.

In other news, it's my birthday week! And the forecast predicts A LOT of rain on the actually day. Yay. Good thing I had no plans, anyway. (I'll be celebrating on the weekend, not the actual day)

I might spend the day playing a game. I never do that anymore.

Speaking of which, I've been indulging in fanart ideas again. Maybe I'll revive my Redbubble with it.
I deleted everything fanart related from there a while back. But I've been feeling like indulging in fanart again. I might, for a while. I'm in need of the passion that comes with it.