This year, for me, was supposed to be about experimenting. And I feel like I haven't been doing anything at all. 

Well, there's one thing I experimented with. I turned off my YouTube history. 

I spend way too much time on Youtube. There's always something playing in the background. Sometimes music, sometimes someone playing something, sometimes someone making something. And sometimes I'm just wasting time looking for something to watch without even know what to look for. 

So I turned off the history, so that I don't get tempting suggestions on the side, but also to see different things cause Youtube won't remember what I like so it won't suggest more of the same.

I figured, if Youtube became less interesting for me, I'd waste less time there. And if it stopped suggesting the same kind of things over and over, I'd might actually find something new to watch.

Turns out having the history off is even worse. Cause the suggestions are so off from my interests that I get annoyed just looking at them. And now I don't know what I've already watched or not. If I was walking around in big circles around my interests before, now I'm walking in tighter circles that I don't even care about. 

As I'm writing this, I've turned history back on. I never thought I'd be praising the algorithm, but there's something to be said about curating your experience. The algorithm isn't so bad when you can make good use of it.

Another experiment I want to try is posting on some day that isn't Monday. Maybe Wednesdays? I think Mondays aren't ideal and I've said that from the start, but I ended up falling into that schedule and getting used to it. 

Then again, it will probably make no difference at all. I've been feeling like everything is pointless, lately. Like I'm just screaming into the void. Bahhhhh.

Also considering if I should keep trying Substack or just give up on that. I kinda like it here more, to be honest. I guess that's another thing I can experiment with - put Substack on a break and see how I feel about it.

I'm not quite here

Oh Hi! Did you miss me?

I've been in a mood. Not a bad one, just not in a writing mood. Interestingly though, I've been pretty social online, very blah blah blah. But chatting and writing something down are different things. 

Anyway. 

Since I don't have much to say or the ability to be eloquent at the moment, I'll just share some pages of my journal. When I don't know what to write, I draw and decorate the pages. I never know what to draw but always come up with something. Sometimes more simple, sometimes more messy... and sometimes I really don't like the result! Thankfully it doesn't happen much. Here are some of the most recent.

Bits and Bobs of scrambled thoughts

I've been having fun putting bits and bobs together. No, really! 

Here's Bits!

And here's Bobs!

They're so weird, I love them! 

I have so many pictures in my hard drive to play with. SO MANY. I'll never use them all, I don't know why I *have* to keep them all. But I keep them all. Cause I don't trust the internet to always have them there for me. I don't trust the internet to always work. Not that I have much reason for that these days. It's an old habit, if I see something I like, I keep it. Who knows if I'll ever find it again! (I mean, even if it's in my own archive, I might never find it again, let's be honest)

And just the other day I've collected some more. Some underwater stuff. I'm yet unsure what to make with them, but my next big collage might be an underwater scene. 

I also want to make...notebooks?? You know, design the pages, make them into printables, actually print them and assemble some notebooks myself. Maybe make some fun pockets here and there. And then the hard part. Selling them. *shudders* 

I need a sales person. Someone who can be excited about selling my stuff. Then I just have to make them! That's the dream of every artist, I'll bet.

Ok, I'm rambling now. I didn't have much to say today, I'll admit.

So I'll leave you with some music. It's a place I've been hanging around lately. 

Video Game Music Radio

Video game music has ruined me. I no longer enjoy "normal" music. Ok, that's an exaggeration, I still like some stuff, but most of it is what I already know from years ago. I'm much more resistant to new music if there's a voice singing. 

I'm here thinking, oh, I could turn this into a thing and always finish my weekly post by sharing some music, that could be fun! ...Watch me completely forget about it next week. I just know how it goes. lol So, no promises, but this might become a thing. 

Stick with me!

Last week I said I would upload all my stickers to Redbubble. And that I would make one or two more out of my most recent artwork. 

And guess what, on an unexpected turn of events... 

I actually did it! Aren't you proud of me? =D

Look at these, I have so many already! [insert Kylo Ren gif]

I love making these. I think I like it even more than making a whole image! They're fun bits I can add anywhere! Colorful bite-sized collages!

I uploaded them all on Redbubble, but I also a Threadless shop as well! I'll be uploading everything there, but one piece a day. So that will take a bit. 

There were supposed to only be stickers, but they look pretty good on t-shirts too, honestly. And on a few other things as well. So even though I made a collection called "Fun Stickers Only!", they're actually available as more that just stickers, ahah.

I'm super excited to make more! But also to get back to paper. I found something nice to play in the background while I work - I've been watching a fellow on Youtube discovering the Tales series, starting with Tales of Symphonia. I love his enthusiasm, and clearly he liked the series cause he's on his third Tales game now! It's always a joy to see someone discovering, enjoying, exploring and falling in love with something you also discovered, enjoyed, explored and fell in love with. That's the kind of Let's Play I like to watch! So I'm happy to have found someone who will be keeping me company for quite a while!

[Note to self: make a separate post just for two new stickers, cause they deserve it!]

That's what they call imposter syndrome, isn't it?

The time changed this weekend and I'm grumpy. Now I naturally go to sleep later, but I still have to wake up as early as before. I much prefer the winter time, it works better with my personal rhythm. The summer time always makes me feel like I'm late. The mornings evaporate in the blink of an eye. I don't like it, thank you very much.

But hey! I'm back to the Inner Worlds! I'm just not sure if it's a long stay or a short visit.

Here's my latest - The Hidden Realm of the Inner Child (you can take a better look here)

This took a while and a few tries until I was happy with it. I wasn't sure at first if it would be part of the Inner Worlds or not. But then I brought in the beacon, so that makes it part of the Inner Worlds. (It was only after that decision that I found a title).

The snail didn't look right until I put a hat on it. I might make a sticker out of it, too!

The child was at first inside de mirror, but than felt a bit... oppressive? Why was she trapped? No, she's (care)free, living her best life in her own little world. 

The beacon is looking in from another realm, guarding, keeping the child safe, a reassuring presence, but also guiding to the way out, in case the child wants to go explore other places.

The castle is a local one. Local to me, I mean. It's the Pena Palace, in Sintra.
Sintra used to be a magical place (not so much these days) that I visited a lot at a certain time in my life. A happy time of discovery for my younger self. So using that particular castle (palace) makes this image much more personal for me. It wasn't the first choice, mind you. I had the pyramids there at first. Some other fancy castle after that. But both of those had colors there were a bit too right - meaning they blended too much with everything else. Nothing like a bright red and yellow castle, right? Kinda look like Lego, I love it!

And then the lady in the back is Mother Nature, I suppose. Definitely a mother figure. (Would that make the beacon a father figure, then?) 

What, you thought I knew what I was doing? Nah! First I make it, then I interpret what the hell my brain came up with. Bullshitting my way through art. A skill that would have been useful back in my school days, but I didn't have it yet back then. It comes with age, I suppose. And if I sound confident enough, people will think I'm actually smart and do things intentionally with a lot of thought put into it. An artistic con, if you will.

Did I say all that out loud? Oops.

Oh, and there was a boat with a silly cat on it at one point! I decided it wasn't right for this image, but it will be a fun sticker soon! 

Oh man, I made so many stickers last year and then did nothing with them! I need to upload all that on Redbubble. There's a plan for this week! And maybe sell (homemade) packs on my Ko-fi? Why is that part so hard for me? ;_;

Speaking of Redbubble, why do they take sooooooo long to review a simple design? These are simple enough to review, I would think?! Sure, it's fanart, but it doesn't even have any copyrighted images? Ugh. I'd love to keep posting them regularly, but I'm stuck with the waiting time. 

I'm loosing my drive to make them all too. Although, at the same time, I want to make these for other games in the series. Silly me. Go figure. 

The bubbling energy of spring

Yesterday I went out. And socialized! All day! WILD, I know. 
It was nice. Would do again. Maybe. But not soon.

Of course, today I'm pooped. I feel sluggish and I'm having a hard time waking up. But I have things to do! I got some commission work and I'm so happy about that! I wasn't sure at first if I'd be up to it, but went for it anyway. And it turns out, yes, I am up to it, no problem. Silly me, doubting myself!

Oh. I just remembered I was in the middle of those spell incantations I was so excited about last week. I need to keep posting them. And making the rest of them! Maybe I'll make more from other games too. I really like playing around with words and graphics. So I don't care if no one else is invested, I'll be making them until I lose the excitement. It may or may not happen soon. I never know! When the excitement ends before the project (which happens all the time), all I have left is plain stubbornness to keep me going. But at that point it's not fun anymore, so let's hope I don't get to that point too early on.

That being said, the few times I planned and finished a series of works, I really liked the feeling of accomplishment that came with it. So I'd like to do another series again. I think the creativity is finally coming back, now that Spring is effectively here. The time will be changing for us next weekend, the days will get longer... You know, it's funny, for years I've preferred the winter time, the days starting earlier, I feel like I can get a lot more done, even though the days aren't too long. But I think I'm changing. I'm looking forward to longer days. I'm still not looking forward to the heat - and I don't think I ever will be - but I'm also not as ok with the cold as I used to be. The light, though. THE LIGHT! I need it. The birds singing! The... oh no. The wasps and the flies and the mosquitos and all the bugs. Ok, Nevermind, I do prefer the winter after all! *retreats back into the cave*

Tales of my gaming life

So. I'm back to fanart. I should make a separate post, but whatever, I have nothing else to talk about anyway. 

Let me tell you about my love for video games.

I have been playing games since I was a kid. I had a Zx Spectrum and an Amiga 500. Playing the Spectrum was a whole thing. You have to load the game through a cassette tape, it made *noises* and flashed colors in bars, it was... entertaining. It sucked having to wait, but it was somewhat entertaining, in a weird way. This is what I'm talking about, for those who have no clue. Honestly, the games weren't worth the wait, so I didn't play much on the Zx Spectrum.

The Amiga, on the other hand....! The game loaded from a floppy disk, and was much quicker. And I had a joystick and everything. The Amiga was fun! And the graphics were great for the time. Definitely much much better than the Zx Spectrum. The Amiga definitely holds my most cherished childhood memories when it comes to games. Rock 'n' Roll, Pinball Dreams, CarVup, Baby Jo, Parasol Stars, Tetris, Arkanoid. And probably a few others I don't remember anymore.

And then I got a Sega Game Gear. Hand held games! In color! AMAZING! Sure, running that on batteries was stupid, so I was always plugged to some outlet, so it was mobile, but not that much, ahah. But that's when I got to play things like Sonic, Prince of Persia, James Pond II RoboCod, and The Lion King.

So that was my childhood. Colorful 2D games with cool sounds and music. And lots of silliness that made no sense but was very fun! But I never thought about the game past the time I spent playing them. And at the time, I doubt I would have had any interest in more complex games with stories and/or turn based combat of any kind. 

Then I grew up and didn't play much anymore - not cause I developed some dislike for them, my interests just moved somewhere else, I guess?

Fast forward to quite a few years later (2011/2012), when I ended up getting offered a second hand Xbox 360. There were a few other gamey things along the way, but this trip down memory lane is getting long enough as it is, let's get to the point.

In the hard drive of this Xbox 360 there was a game. A game called Tales of Vesperia. 

I had no idea what I was getting into when I decided to try it. I was soon taken by the world I had there to explore, by the character's personality, the fun dialogue, the story, the combat! And the graphics were so good! And the game kept going. And going. And going! And when I thought it was over, there was still a whole lot more game left to play, places to explore, things to discover and story to pursue. I was blown away! I laughed, I cried (and kinda wanted to punch Raven too), I kept thinking about the story, the characters, the worldbuilding... I was no longer just playing a game like before in the old days. I was experiencing it. It stayed with me. These characters were like friends now, I cared about them, wondered how they were doing in the off moments or in the post game. I was looking up side materials, hitting the Japanese language barrier wall and deciding to climb it (meaning, learning the language) just to keep those characters and their stories close. 

Then Tales of Xillia came out (and I got a PS3)! I was excited, and then a little disappointed. The graphics were more modern, the navigation was 3D all around (which I didn't love) but didn't look as good as Vesperia. The combat was amazing though, and it didn't take me long to fall in love with those characters too. Especially Alvin. For which I blame Matt Mercer, of course. And from Xillia, I predictably got into Critical Role. That was a pretty straight line right there. But that's a whole other story. Not for today!

In the mean time I also got into older Tales games by watched playthroughs on Youtube. I got acquainted with Abyss, Symphonia, Legendia, Graces. And then Graces F was a thing for the PS3 and I bought it and played it. I already knew the whole story, and knew I wouldn't like the combat as much, and didn't really care that much about the story or those characters (Asbel is boooooring. I would have preferred the game from Hubert's perspective), but I wanted to play it myself. Besides, at this point I was a fan of the series, so I wanted to contribute as such and buy the game. Like, yes, I approve of this series, and support it with my wallet.

Then the Symphonia Chronicles came out. So I got that one too. Also already knowing the whole story (of both games, even if we don't talk about number 2), but again wanting to experience it myself. I can see why it's a classic and why it's a fan favorite and maybe, in a way (maybe even in *many* ways), the best one in the series. But I didn't play it back then, when it would have had that impact on me, so I don't love it as much as most (Kratos lives rent free in my mind though).

Then we got Xilla 2. Which wasn't great. This series suffers greatly with sequels, it's like a curse. 
But it was an ok game, a bit annoying here and there, but the combat was super fun, so it wasn't a chore to play.

Then Zestiria came out. And oh boy. That one was a disappointment (and we were already coming from a game that wasn't all we'd like it to be). Even though I actually liked it a lot - unlike most of the fan base - I'm not blind to it's many flaws and agree with the general feeling of disappointment. I really liked the characters though and the music too, and it seems those are the most important thing for me? Cause Zestiria is still in my top favorites. I even bought it twice! I had it (physical) for the PS3, and then I moved on to the PS4 and bought it again (digital). 

After that was Berseria, and again, unlike the majority of the fan base, I actually didn't like it that much. My problem with it is the same I have with Graces. I don't really like or care about the main character, but I have to experience the story from their point of view. The combat is similar too, and I'm not sure what it is about it, but I don't have fun with it. It was also really long. Way longer than it needed to be. Too many skits. I can't believe that would ever be a problem, but it turns out, too much of a good thing is still too much. Much like Graces, I think I would have liked it much more from another character's perspective (in this case, Eleanor).

At this point I was a disappointed fan. Still a fan, but not excited about new stuff coming out. 

But I will always love the series, at least from Symphonia up to Berseria (yes, even though I didn't like it much, I still love a lot of things about it).

Tales of Arise was the nail on the coffin for me, though. While I enjoyed it at first, it was mostly cause it was pretty. Combat was ok, the world wasn't that interesting even though I could walk more freely than ever before. And guess what? I also don't really care about the main characters. They're alright, I don't dislike them like I do Velvet and Asbel, but I don't really care about them either. 

Next Tales game, whenever that happens (if it happens), will hardly get a day one buy from me. Maybe I won't buy it at all. I will definitely be watching a playthrough before I even consider spending money on my favorite series again. How sad is that?

So, TL:DR: My favorite Tales games are Vesperia (cause it was my first and holds that very special place in my heart), Xillia and Zestiria (*gasp!*). Symphonia comes right after, but it's not one I really want to *play* again. But those characters get to live in my heart too.

This series got me thinking of myself as a gamer, or at the very least, someone who likes games.

And because I'm so *normal* about them, Vesperia in particular, I'm back on the fanart train. I'm making a whole collection of spells incantations. How very specific, I know! It's almost as if I love this game, and as if I always main as Rita and her spells are all seared into my brain. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Here's the first few. I've put them up on Redbubble cause I think they'd be awesome stickers especially if you're as *normal* about Vesperia as me!

Well, this a ramble and a half. Maybe next time I'll talk about FFVII. I'm very *normal* about that one too. Ahah