Would you look at that. I am now in a crochet club (happened the other week) and a journaling club (that was this Friday). There are a few regular faces I see there (at the bookshop/café) all the time, and... well, I'm becoming one too! 

For a long time I wouldn't go anywhere or do anything because going out costs money. It's a convenient excuse for inaction, isn't it? I mean, you can't deny that yes, going out costs money! Gas, parking, the event itself, eating or drinking something - it all costs money. But so does going out every morning to the cafe, as I always do (and honestly can't do without). That one falls under the routine so I don't think about the cost. The other falls under "unnecessary extras" that I somehow convinced myself I don't need and/or deserve. 

I mean, if I'm not making money for myself, why would I go out and spend it for no good reason? Right?

But going out, meeting people, socializing, making connections... that could open some door (or window) into some interesting opportunity, right? You never know! 

And that's how I convinced myself to go. 

I don't know how I got here, to this point where I can't let myself enjoy things unless there's some purpose to them. How fucked up is that?! Especially for someone who is still a child at heart... A messed up contradiction, is what I am.

That being said, now that I went to these things and broke that illusion that I couldn't or shouldn't, I want to keep going regularly, just to get out of the house and see people. Sometimes it's more fun than others, but it's good for me to have something of my own, something out of the routine to look forward to.

You know who doesn't have these self-imposed problems and always know how to have a good time?

Sheila! Isn't she lovely? 

Oh, speaking of the journaling club, I should show you what I made! Here.

It's interesting how I used to not like blue and now I use it all the time. Same with pink. Although I still don't love it by itself. But come on, look at my website! And I loooooove it! (That might be why I haven't changed it yet. Yup, totally that, not laziness or lack of drive or ideas or anything like that)

Thoughts up in the air

 I sold a sticker on Redbubble! Of my own designs! WOW! 

Thank you, whoever you are! You've made my day! 

So, yeah, today is Tuesday, not Monday. My mind was too much in the air yesterday. But I'm here today!

I'd like to say it's been another good week, but truth be told it was very meh, with the exception of Sunday. I went back to that same place I went to the previous week, this time for a brand new crochet club gathering. I've met some cool and interesting people and I really want to go back, whenever the next meeting will be. I really like that place and the people there. I'm considering going again this Friday. This time for a journaling thing. I don't know. Maybe I'll go, maybe I won't. I guess you'll find out next week!

I have started a new Strange Creature. Only need to color it now. So that's something else you can see next week. 

I may be entering a new phase, a more social phase. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. Only time will tell.

I'd love to have more to say, but I don't. My mind is still up in the air, can't settle down enough for more coherent thoughts, sorry. See you next week!

In high spirits

You know what? This was a good week! Isn't that great?

I made a new collage! 
I had the title The Cosmic Soup of Knowledge tucked away in my head for ages. In the end I called it just The Cosmic Soup, cause I wasn't able to fully realize my vison. But I still got a good collage out of it, so it's ok! Here! Look at it! 

I like it more now that it's been a few days and I've let go of the frustration of not being able to recreate what I had in my head.

And then.... AND THEN!! The next day I made another one of my Strange Creatures! And I'm writing that capitalized which means it's now an intentional name. It has become a series! 

Meet Albert! He's just a tiny little bit awkward, but a very reliable fellow. 

By the end of the week I went out and had some fun, met some new people, played board games and stayed up late (all of which are rare these days). I'd love to do that again! Even though the place I went to is a bit far (in small country terms, at least) and it ends up being a little costly, it was worth it. I felt great throughout the weekend from all the good vibes I accumulated from Friday night!

So yes, overall a good week that really lifted my spirits! Yay!

I feel like I've been getting dumber. 

I have lots of ideas and almost zero execution power. Like there's this... filter, this static noise. A thick fog I have to wade through.

It's exhausting. 

It feels like I'm disconnected, out of synch with myself, out of synch with time. I'm never really present in the present. I don't know where I'm going and I need constant reminders of where I've been, where I came from. 

Feeling like I'm losing my ability to think past beyond surface level, though, that's scary.

I'd really like to not lose the habit or writing here every week. Cause I know if I let myself loosen the schedule, I'll never get it back on track. 

So here I am. On a Monday, as usual. And... with not much to say. 

The projects keep piling up in the corner, one after the other. I don't even remember what's at the bottom of the pile anymore.

It's been SO LONG since I've collaged with paper. But my hands go for the yarn first, so the papers never get their turn. My desk is a mess. Both my desks, in fact. I should take care of that. ...I really don't wanna.

I've been embracing the inner nerd and created a new tumblr page, dedicated to my thoughts and headcanons and stuff for my favourite Tales games (other games or stories might make an appearance at some point). I called it Chewing on Tales and had fun making that profile picture. Then dropped the ball on the page design, because I didn't get it all done on the first day, so it became another project on the pile that I forget about. 

I haven't posted much yet, and it's taking me forever to write my next post. While I have been in a writing mood lately, but it takes me forever, cause I need to make sure what I'm saying is right so I lose myself in the research. I think I might like the research more than the writing, ahah. Looking up the scenes, noting down the dialogue, analyzing what's said and what isn't, hunting down side materials... It's like going on a treasure hunt, I love it! Writing though... I also like it, but it's frequently hard to find the focus and manage to not be interrupted. 

It frustrates me that it takes me so long to write something! Even these posts take me all morning, it's ridiculous! 

Anyway. 

I guess I have a market to do in September again. I'm not as excited as usual. I'd like to make new things for it - crochet things, I mean. I still have a lot from last year and the year before that, but it bothers me to not have anything new. 

I also have a bunch of new stickers I'd like to print. But I didn't really sell any last year, so should I even waste my time with that? Also, I'm not sure I have enough sticker paper for all of them. And I don't want to buy more at the moment. Money is... really tight. It probably will be for a while. And it's the same for everyone, which is why I'm not that excited about the market. I'm already expecting disappointment. Oof.

Ok, I'm done rambling for now. See you next week, I guess. 

Schedule? What schedule?

I started something new! Well, not entirely new, it's crochet, but a technique I hadn't tried yet. Corner to corner. Or C2C for short. It's simple enough, more fun and interesting looking that the boring granny stitch, but grows just as fast, which is nice.

I started with a simple square just to get the hang of it (the cats can always use another mini blanket), and have now started a huge and much more complicated project, with lots of color changes. If I want it to look neat, I have to cut the yarn at every change. I'm sewing in the ends at the end of every row, cause otherwise it will be a pain. I don't even dislike sewing in ends (like many people do), but I'd still prefer to do it gradually than all at once.

I now have 3 large blanket WIPs... The first one is maybe 7 years old by now? Will I ever finish it? I've put so much into it already, I have to! I just need to make a few more triangles. A few... maybe somewhere around 40... -_-' Should also do a border in the end, to make it pretty and even, but that I don't think I'll ever do. I want to be done with it! It will probably take a few more years, let's be honest.

I also finally made a new collage with the underwater pictures I found the other day and wanted to use! 

I called it Secret Garden, but the name might change in the future, if I manage to come up with a better one. I may or may not also add something more to the image. Or make another version, maybe. 

I like it a lot, but I'm not totally satisfied. I think it's because I ended up making it a square cause the full format wasn't working well. So it feels - to me - that there's something missing.

Hmm.... you know what? The more I look at it, the more I like it. It's perfect the way it is, actually! That portal could be a nice sticker too. 

Oh, right. Redbubble. I want to give up on that and find other places like it. Guess what, I totally forgot about it. Baaaahhhhh.

Also Substack... I will continue to not post there. I gave it a try, it seemed interesting at first, but after a few months she novelty has withered away and it there's nothing left in it for me. I really wanted to like it, but I don't. Kinda like Bluesky, too. But I'm keeping my presence on that one. 

Honestly, the only places I actually like hanging around are Cara and Tumblr. And Cara is the only one where I even feel seen. 

Oh. And I wanted to remake my website too! Yeah, also forgot about that. *rolls eyes*

Now I don't want to anymore. I had *ideas* but ended up keeping Carrd, which doesn't allow for those *ideas*, so I gave up on the whole renovation. That wasn't the only reason, though. It was also that I no longer know how to make those *ideas* happen with today's software options.

Ok, enough blah blah blah. See ya next time! \o

This year, for me, was supposed to be about experimenting. And I feel like I haven't been doing anything at all. 

Well, there's one thing I experimented with. I turned off my YouTube history. 

I spend way too much time on Youtube. There's always something playing in the background. Sometimes music, sometimes someone playing something, sometimes someone making something. And sometimes I'm just wasting time looking for something to watch without even know what to look for. 

So I turned off the history, so that I don't get tempting suggestions on the side, but also to see different things cause Youtube won't remember what I like so it won't suggest more of the same.

I figured, if Youtube became less interesting for me, I'd waste less time there. And if it stopped suggesting the same kind of things over and over, I'd might actually find something new to watch.

Turns out having the history off is even worse. Cause the suggestions are so off from my interests that I get annoyed just looking at them. And now I don't know what I've already watched or not. If I was walking around in big circles around my interests before, now I'm walking in tighter circles that I don't even care about. 

As I'm writing this, I've turned history back on. I never thought I'd be praising the algorithm, but there's something to be said about curating your experience. The algorithm isn't so bad when you can make good use of it.

Another experiment I want to try is posting on some day that isn't Monday. Maybe Wednesdays? I think Mondays aren't ideal and I've said that from the start, but I ended up falling into that schedule and getting used to it. 

Then again, it will probably make no difference at all. I've been feeling like everything is pointless, lately. Like I'm just screaming into the void. Bahhhhh.

Also considering if I should keep trying Substack or just give up on that. I kinda like it here more, to be honest. I guess that's another thing I can experiment with - put Substack on a break and see how I feel about it.