Who is she?

I think I've been grieving my breakup with the "artist" label. 

At first I felt light. Free! Then I felt lost. Still not sure where I am right now. But I did manage to create a bit. There's much I want to do, but it seems I just can't bring myself to do anything. 

I say that, but I did make a new digital collage, a little paper one and worked a bit on my website renovation. It feels like nothing. Nothing of significance. 

Oof. I don't have much to say this week. I don't feel inspired at all. I don't want to do anything. 

So here, have a picture. I still don't have a name for her. I'm not sure if this is a start of a new series, or me trying to grab on to the previous one (the Twelve Tealings). 

I was just playing around, which is what I want to do more of. 

Up until the Tealings I always avoided using the human figure in my works, but I really liked creating this characters, so I guess I'm not ready to let that idea go. But I'd like to create creatures too. I need to do a lot more experimenting. 

I'm sure I'll be feeling more creative when the weather gets more pleasant and the sun comes back for longer. For now, I'm happy to just crochet and watch people I like on Youtube. 

I think I might have had an epiphany or something

This week has been eventful. Not so much outwardly, but inside my mind.

You might remember on my post last week that I finished with asking into the void if anyone was in need of a video editor cause I could use the work. 

So the thought was on my mind. I followed an impulse and sent a message to a friend/acquaintance who happens to have a Youtube channel and mentioned recently they were thinking of maybe getting a video editor to help them out. 

While waiting for a response - with that pesky self doubt whispering in my ear that this person wouldn't want to work with me (and why the hell not?! wtf?!), that I wasn't getting an answer cause they didn't want to tell me no to my face or something (no, stupid, it's because they're busy and don't check the internet all the time like you. Loser. Ok, now I'm putting myself down from both sides? That's not fair!) - I kept thinking about this new scenario where I'm a video editor, doing something I like, for someone I like. I'd have less time to dedicate to my own things, which in turn would fill me with motivation to make better use of that time. 

Because, let's be honest, I have *too much* time on my hands, and because I - apparently - have all the time in the world, I waste it greatly. And then feel guilty about it. Because, NO, I do not have all the time in the world. Time is infinite, but my time isn't. I'm not getting any younger and I still haven't done much, accomplished much with my life. Especially in the last 10 years or so. 

I think I figured out why. Or at least, part of the reason. 

I started calling myself an artist. With a "Fake it until you make it" attitude. Yeah, I'm an artist. I make art, right? It's all I really want to do in life. So I'm an artist, right? I have a right to apply that label on myself, right? 

Right. Sure. But that label carries some weight I wasn't counting on, and I think it's been doing me more harm than good.

1) If I'm an artist, then I need to make art. NEED, not want. I need to show that I've earned that label. I need to show that I work, that I don't just loaf around all day. 

2) If I'm an artist, then I must have original ideas. I must have something to say. Have an impact of some kind, move people somehow. Have something of significance to contribute with, to offer the world.

3) If I'm an artist, I should be making money with my art. Even if it's not enough to sustain me, but some money at least. 

Well, first of all. "Fake it until you make it" can be a useful tool, there's something to be said about positive affirmations and making yourself believe them, but truth is I don't like faking it, and clearly I haven't made it far. So that's not working. 

Also, 1) making art is certainly a Need for me, but whatever I make is a Want. Somewhere along the way I turned it around and turned the Need of Making into a Want, and turned the Want to Create Whatever into a Need. Why am I surprised this didn't work?

2) I'm creative, but I'm not an Original Idea kind of person. I'm more of a Transformer. I turn into a boat and frequently get lost at sea. I grab something that is already there and I play with it, add to it, transform it. I suppose that's why collage appealed to me. But quite frankly, I don't have much to say. And the only thing I want my work to make you feel is pleasant curiosity. I want to carry your imagination to another world, even if just for a moment. But most of all I want it to carry ME into those worlds, cause that's where I like to be.

3) I've talked about this last week, so I won't repeat myself. But making money with my art, while a pleasant idea, isn't something I'm built to pursue. If it happens, amazing! If not... I'm not fighting it. Not where I want to put my energy.

As you can see, I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. 

And I will no longer call myself an artist. 

Not because I'm giving up on art (that would be impossible!) but because it hurts my relationship with it.

And for those wondering, I did get a reply from that youtuber friend. I was left to stew in self-doubt for a few days, but then it went well. So maybe in the near future I can say with confidence that I'm a video editor, instead of dreading the question "so, what do you do?" (for a living, is implied) and replying, annoyed and embarrassed, "I make stuff" (and don't live from it). Because, despite writing in all my profiles online that I'm an artist, that's not something I actually say out loud in real life. Cause I make no money from it and as such, I have "nothing" to show for it.

But if I'm a video editor, then I have something that I do. And the art will still be there, on the side, and it no longer matters what I make with it, I can just have fun. I can share it whenever, because I want to share it, not because I need to show that I work.

All of that being said, I still want to redo my website and I've been forgetting about that. But maybe I need to not make it was complicated as I wanted to. Cause I need to be done with it soon. And there's a few images - older ones - that I'd like to remake. Maybe now that my thoughts have settled a bit I can get back to it.

I used to draw

I used to draw. I was never super good at it, but sometimes I surprised myself.

I haven't drawn anything in years. I *want* to, but as soon as I struggle to get a shape right, I give up. A terrible habit!

Yesterday I went digging in old folders and found some fanart I did for a fanfiction I really liked. I checked the date on the files. 2016. 10 years! 

What happened to that Raisca? Where did she go? I'd love for her to come back, I miss her a lot. She created with love, dedication, indulgence. Just because! 

Somewhere along the way she got in her head that she shouldn't just do fanart, she wanted to be an artist, to be taken seriously! She should focus on original artworks.

And yes, true, I did manage to create original works. But I went the collage route. An "easy" route.
I stopped drawing.
And don't get me wrong, I love what I've been making these past 2 to 3 years. But 10 years ago I started a comic of a fanfic, and then jumped into the idea of making it animated. I *started* all that, and then never continued. I look back fondly, so proud of the little I made. Wondering what happened, why did I stop? 

I probably just jumped into a new idea and never looked back. Probably.

I also overcomplicated the idea too much. It went from comic to animation, and then I was thinking how I could share it with the world. Would I make a website just for it? Would I make it as a videos? Yeah, I definitely remember going through all those possibilities, getting excited about them, but also building an increasingly large mountain for me to climb. Of course I stopped. Silly me!

But looking back now, I'm feeling an urge to pick it up again. Can I keep it simple this time? Will I get through the frustration of having to unlock my drawing skills again?

But! But, Raisca, didn't you want to make things that you can sell? You know, stickers, printables, postcards?
Well, yes. I did say that. But also, no, not exactly. It's just the pressure of having to make money somehow. Monetizing whatever you make. That's the dream, right? Making what you like and getting money out of it. Yeah... it never quite works though. You always end up trapped in having to make what people like, not what you really want.

And honestly, I don't want - never wanted - to sell you anything. I want to give it for free, I want to brighten your day! But I still need to pay the bills. So what to do?
I've been in this limbo for so long. I'm so tired.
How does one live when they hate the idea of "making money"? 

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate money in itself. If someone wants to give me money just cause, the same why I want to give things away just cause, I'm definitely not opposed. I'd welcome it, in fact. *That* would be the dream. Just image, someone going "I like your vibe, I like what you make. Here, have some money to help with life". I'd love to able to do that for others, too. (Sometimes I manage to do it, in very small amounts, but it still makes me happy!)

I also don't hate the idea of being compensated for my work. It's a fair exchange.
I just hate that you have to convince people that they "need" or that they should "want" your stuff. I don't want to "influence" you. I want you to think for yourself, like what you like and make your own decisions.

Maybe I should get a job, huh? That would certainly solve some problems. Ahah

Does anyone need a video editor? It's something I studied for and worked on professionally, years ago. A skillset that's been sitting in a corner, gathering dust. Like many others. But it could be a job for me, a job that doesn't destroy my soul and allows for creativity. 

Seriously, does anyone need a video editor? Let me know.
You can check my Youtube. The two most recent videos are the ones I'm most proud of <3

(Also, on the off chance you're feeling generous, my Ko-fi is a great place to go)

New Year, same old me

I'm having a bit of a crisis. 

Now that I left Instagram, I don't know what to do with myself. I have this urge to try out new places, more independent alternatives. But as I explore to those options I immediately think, do I really want to be here? Is there a point? 

I want to both spread my presence to as many places as possible, but also to focus my energy on just a few key places. I don't know where to go. Outside of the big ones, there isn't much going on. Is it even worth putting energy into it?

Should I get back to Bluesky? I left cause I didn't like it. The character limit annoys me, and I don't even have that much to say, usually. And the vibe there isn't great. Although, to be fair, I didn't put much effort in finding my people. Maybe I should try again? (I'm already feeling the resistance just thinking about it)

Decisions, decisions. 

In other news. Hey! New Year! It's almost like starting a brand new sketchbook! 

I'm not making any resolutions. And I didn't make a vision board yet... Not like I have to, but I made one the past 2 years and I liked it. The problem is, this year, I have no idea what I want to do. Need to think about it some more. It's been hard to focus, to sit down and write down thoughts. I don't know why it's been hard, it just has.

But I can at least write down a loose list of 'want-to-do's. 

I want to play around with pixel art. Get back to streaming. Give YouTube a more serious try. Sculpting using paper and cardboard and stuff like that. Redo my website. Make zines? Maybe? Get back into photography a bit. Make postcards! Cause I need them for Postcrossing, so might as well make my own. Continue creating characters, like I did with the Tealings. I also want to redo some of my Inner Worlds works. And make new ones, of course. Make printables? Make wallpapers. Create digital products like that. Oh, and start drawing again. If I could produce my images from scratch instead of relying on photos that other people provide for free... that would be really nice.

All of that seems like a lot. The website I'll be redoing for sure. The look won't change *too* much, cause I really like it, but I want to add more things and play around. 

Getting back to streaming would also be good to give myself a schedule. I know I'll end up wanting to break free from it, but at least for a while it would do me good.
I'm considering streaming in the morning. Try that out, see if it works for me. 

So far, my plans are *Try Things* and *Play Around*. Maybe my word for this year is Experiment. Or Explore. I like that one more. Explore options. Explore possibilities. Explore new places. Explore old places and rediscover them. Yeah. Explore is the word I'm going with!

The Twelve Tealings

The Twelve Tealings, six boys, six girls.
Twelve, like the zodiac signs. To which each one of them corresponds to. Some are very obvious, I think, others maybe not so much. 

So let's take a look at them all together and find out their signs ;)

Aires. Ruled by Mars. Cardinal. Fire

Taurus. Ruled by Venus. Fixed. Earth.

Gemini. Ruled by Mercury. Mutable. Air.

Cancer. Ruled by the Moon. Cardinal. Water.

Leo. Ruled by the Sun. Fixed. Fire.

Virgo. Ruled by Mercury. Mutable. Earth.

Libra. Ruled by Venus. Cardinal. Air.

Scorpio. Ruled by Pluto. Fixed. Water.

Sagittarius. Ruled by Jupiter. Mutable. Fire.

Capricorn. Ruled by Saturn. Cardinal. Earth.

Aquarius. Ruled by Uranus. Fixed. Air.

Pisces. Ruled by Neptune. Mutable. Water.

Do you have a favorite? Do you relate to your own sign? Let me know!

This was a fun series to make! I enjoyed ending up creating characters (it wasn’t the plan at first) and I would like to explore that some more in the future.

Coming up with series isn’t easy (for me, at least) but I always end up liking the experience. I need to think about a new one. Any ideas?

I've made a big decision. Part of me thinks it's a stupid decision, but I'm doing it anyway. 

I'm leaving Instagram behind. I won't delete the account or the content I have there now, cause I think it's still important to at least have a presence there - in case someone looks me up - and info on where to find me. But I'm logging out, deleting the app and not coming back.

I'll be trying other places. I will probably end up with too many to keep up with, but I need to try them out, see what I like and what sticks. 

From now on, what I post here will also be posted on Substack, Cara, tumblr and Ko-fi. And for now, that's it. When I find other places I feel I can stick to, I'll let you know.

In other news, I stared crocheting a 6 Day Star Blanket. Apparently it was a big thing a while back. I only found it now. Always late to the party, this one... ahah 
I started it on Christmas Eve, but I doubt I'll be finishing it in 6 days. Cause, naturally, the bigger it gets, the longer it takes to finish just one row. And I'm quite slow, so... maybe 6 weeks is more accurate for me than 6 days. Or maybe even 6 months, cause I know that if I stop the project to do something else, it will take me a while to get back into it.

Why am I over explaining so much? Like I have to prove that I've been working on something, cause if I just admit to doing nothing all week that makes me worthless? It's what we've been taught isn't it? Time is money, and if you're not making money with your time then you're worthless to society. What a messed up mentality we live with.

And on that happy note, see you next week! Next year, even! =D

Julian - The Diplomat

And now, ladies and gentlemen... The last Tealing! They're all are out and about now! 

I'll make a post with all of them together in a few days, but for now...

Meet Julian!