The black hole of forgetfulness

My routine was thrown out of whack and I missed posting on Monday. Ah well, I'm here today.

Don't know what to talk about though. I never plan these posts, they happen as they happen. If you couldn't tell by how rambly they usually are. 

The week wasn't great, despite my birthday. Although the birthday part was good! It's always nice to spend time with friends. Especially accompanied by nice food! 

Most of my days are an unfocused mess, time goes by in a flash and I accomplish nothing at all. When I get to bed at the end of the day I often feel like that can't be right, I just go up a little while ago! But no, a whole day trickled by like sand from my hands. And my mind seems like an endless void. It needs some exercise. Like learning something new. That sounds so overwhelming though. Argh! How do I get out of this?!

I'm a dreamer. And the world hasn't been kind on dreamers lately. I'm a dreamer with nothing to dream about. Head in the clouds, yeah, but when you're actually *in* the clouds all you see is a grey fog.

My collages are - deliberately - colorful, whimsical, happy... dreamy. Cause that's what I want to bring to the world. But I've run out of inspiration to make more. 

Should I... should I get that "Artist" label out of the trash I threw it in? Is that what I'm missing after all? I was so sure I needed to get rid of it. 

Nah, what I need is to have fun. To try stuff out and experiment and explore possibilities, like I said was my goal for this year. Yeah, guess what, I forgot about that too. Despite the vision board I keep right next to me. 

Honestly? Really really honestly? What I need is to NOT go on Youtube. It's a time-sucking problem and I know this damn well. I always let myself fall for the trap of "I just need some background music."
No I don't. Not from Youtube. I have plenty of music to listen to offline. 

Ok. Let's see if I get some shit done this week. Let's go!

Ships (of the friend kind)

Making friends is hard.

Meeting people and having a chat is easy enough, especially online, but developing a connection that goes a bit deeper is a whole other struggle.

Cause I can be friendly with most people and I think it's really good to have a varied set of acquaintances, people that are very different from you, people you have very little in common with but with whom you can still have a conversation. It keeps your mind flexible, builds your tolerance and expands your soul, making you more capable of love and finding inner peace. You learn to live and let live.

But truth is, there's very few people I actually click with. And it sucks, honestly. Especially when I do find someone I could potentially become good friends with, but I don't spark in them the same interest they spark in me, so they're not available to put in the effort.

I don't know, maybe the same could be said in reverse, maybe there have been people out there who felt we could be friends and I gave them the cold shoulder cause I didn't vibe back with them.

I also feel that people these days are too focused on themselves, their own life and struggles. Making money to survive takes more and more effort, energy and time. It sucks you up and drains you. 

But that's an excuse. And also a consequence of this modern mentality, this glorification of individualism. We've lost the sense of community, of doing something for others instead of ourselves. This idea that we own no one anything and we must stand on our own two feet and be self sufficient and fuck everyone who doesn't agree with you or opposes your views. Cut off all the toxic people! Burn bridges! Who cares! You matter! But no one else does, apparently. And look at us. Each trapped in their own lives and struggles, feeling lonely and no longer knowing how to reach out and relate to others.

Oof. I'm in a mood, guys. I have to admit, I've been feeling frustrated with my friendship attempts.

In other news, it's my birthday week! And the forecast predicts A LOT of rain on the actually day. Yay. Good thing I had no plans, anyway. (I'll be celebrating on the weekend, not the actual day)

I might spend the day playing a game. I never do that anymore.

Speaking of which, I've been indulging in fanart ideas again. Maybe I'll revive my Redbubble with it.
I deleted everything fanart related from there a while back. But I've been feeling like indulging in fanart again. I might, for a while. I'm in need of the passion that comes with it.