I used to draw

I used to draw. I was never super good at it, but sometimes I surprised myself.

I haven't drawn anything in years. I *want* to, but as soon as I struggle to get a shape right, I give up. A terrible habit!

Yesterday I went digging in old folders and found some fanart I did for a fanfiction I really liked. I checked the date on the files. 2016. 10 years! 

What happened to that Raisca? Where did she go? I'd love for her to come back, I miss her a lot. She created with love, dedication, indulgence. Just because! 

Somewhere along the way she got in her head that she shouldn't just do fanart, she wanted to be an artist, to be taken seriously! She should focus on original artworks.

And yes, true, I did manage to create original works. But I went the collage route. An "easy" route.
I stopped drawing.
And don't get me wrong, I love what I've been making these past 2 to 3 years. But 10 years ago I started a comic of a fanfic, and then jumped into the idea of making it animated. I *started* all that, and then never continued. I look back fondly, so proud of the little I made. Wondering what happened, why did I stop? 

I probably just jumped into a new idea and never looked back. Probably.

I also overcomplicated the idea too much. It went from comic to animation, and then I was thinking how I could share it with the world. Would I make a website just for it? Would I make it as a videos? Yeah, I definitely remember going through all those possibilities, getting excited about them, but also building an increasingly large mountain for me to climb. Of course I stopped. Silly me!

But looking back now, I'm feeling an urge to pick it up again. Can I keep it simple this time? Will I get through the frustration of having to unlock my drawing skills again?

But! But, Raisca, didn't you want to make things that you can sell? You know, stickers, printables, postcards?
Well, yes. I did say that. But also, no, not exactly. It's just the pressure of having to make money somehow. Monetizing whatever you make. That's the dream, right? Making what you like and getting money out of it. Yeah... it never quite works though. You always end up trapped in having to make what people like, not what you really want.

And honestly, I don't want - never wanted - to sell you anything. I want to give it for free, I want to brighten your day! But I still need to pay the bills. So what to do?
I've been in this limbo for so long. I'm so tired.
How does one live when they hate the idea of "making money"? 

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate money in itself. If someone wants to give me money just cause, the same why I want to give things away just cause, I'm definitely not opposed. I'd welcome it, in fact. *That* would be the dream. Just image, someone going "I like your vibe, I like what you make. Here, have some money to help with life". I'd love to able to do that for others, too. (Sometimes I manage to do it, in very small amounts, but it still makes me happy!)

I also don't hate the idea of being compensated for my work. It's a fair exchange.
I just hate that you have to convince people that they "need" or that they should "want" your stuff. I don't want to "influence" you. I want you to think for yourself, like what you like and make your own decisions.

Maybe I should get a job, huh? That would certainly solve some problems. Ahah

Does anyone need a video editor? It's something I studied for and worked on professionally, years ago. A skillset that's been sitting in a corner, gathering dust. Like many others. But it could be a job for me, a job that doesn't destroy my soul and allows for creativity. 

Seriously, does anyone need a video editor? Let me know.
You can check my Youtube. The two most recent videos are the ones I'm most proud of <3

(Also, on the off chance you're feeling generous, my Ko-fi is a great place to go)

New Year, same old me

I'm having a bit of a crisis. 

Now that I left Instagram, I don't know what to do with myself. I have this urge to try out new places, more independent alternatives. But as I explore to those options I immediately think, do I really want to be here? Is there a point? 

I want to both spread my presence to as many places as possible, but also to focus my energy on just a few key places. I don't know where to go. Outside of the big ones, there isn't much going on. Is it even worth putting energy into it?

Should I get back to Bluesky? I left cause I didn't like it. The character limit annoys me, and I don't even have that much to say, usually. And the vibe there isn't great. Although, to be fair, I didn't put much effort in finding my people. Maybe I should try again? (I'm already feeling the resistance just thinking about it)

Decisions, decisions. 

In other news. Hey! New Year! It's almost like starting a brand new sketchbook! 

I'm not making any resolutions. And I didn't make a vision board yet... Not like I have to, but I made one the past 2 years and I liked it. The problem is, this year, I have no idea what I want to do. Need to think about it some more. It's been hard to focus, to sit down and write down thoughts. I don't know why it's been hard, it just has.

But I can at least write down a loose list of 'want-to-do's. 

I want to play around with pixel art. Get back to streaming. Give YouTube a more serious try. Sculpting using paper and cardboard and stuff like that. Redo my website. Make zines? Maybe? Get back into photography a bit. Make postcards! Cause I need them for Postcrossing, so might as well make my own. Continue creating characters, like I did with the Tealings. I also want to redo some of my Inner Worlds works. And make new ones, of course. Make printables? Make wallpapers. Create digital products like that. Oh, and start drawing again. If I could produce my images from scratch instead of relying on photos that other people provide for free... that would be really nice.

All of that seems like a lot. The website I'll be redoing for sure. The look won't change *too* much, cause I really like it, but I want to add more things and play around. 

Getting back to streaming would also be good to give myself a schedule. I know I'll end up wanting to break free from it, but at least for a while it would do me good.
I'm considering streaming in the morning. Try that out, see if it works for me. 

So far, my plans are *Try Things* and *Play Around*. Maybe my word for this year is Experiment. Or Explore. I like that one more. Explore options. Explore possibilities. Explore new places. Explore old places and rediscover them. Yeah. Explore is the word I'm going with!